Personal Goal

Why is it that every single design that I did for my own promotional purposes has always proven unsatisfactory upon closer personal review? I am slightly ashamed at the new site, build only recently. It speaks not of the passion I feel inside, of the height I aimed myself to achieve, nor the creative sparks and influences that has shaped me as a whole. Perhaps it is my personal quest for perfection, a never ending one. Perhaps it is simply the matter of me being picky. Perhaps it is my own conscience pointing out how I could have done better, and harder still I must labor. Nevertheless, the site is down, indeterminately.

Why this sudden, seemingly rash act?

Steve Pavlina

Steve Pavlina started it all. His e-Zine on Personal Development has got me hooked, and I've been rediscovering his excellent articles over the past few weeks, bit by bit. Overflow of information is as bad as lack of information, as you run the very real risk of simply forgetting various important points, nor do you give enough weight and justifiable thought to each piece of information. For that reason, I have waded slowly through this sea of insights, contently sipping a bit here and there. My thirst was great, but even greater was my fear of bloating.

One of his article on The Meaning of Life truly struck a chord with me. Even as I dove into the first parts of this series of six articles, I stopped myself and forced a look back and review of the actions I have taken so far. I am but 24, but already I have made several life-changing decision, if you may say so.

It occurred to me now that I have been often held back by a fear of failure, more particularly, public failure. It's something that's kept me in check often: is my drawing good? is my design exemplary? is my writing a load of bullshit? This is especially true I feel, as more and more of personal information, thoughts and whatnots are readily accessible. I have to thank Steve for pointing out this general fear.

I no longer cared.

I'm writing my thoughts so I can come back to them. A sort of personal diary and convenient log of thoughts upon which I can readily come back whenever I need to. And my drawings, along with my designs, are there for me to keep track of my work. A collection of good and bad, upon which I would one day collate and select only the best fews. A convenient portfolio.

As I look again on the new site and compared it with the greats like Joshua Davis, Mike Young, Cina, and the likes, I felt a deep sense of envy. Why do they get all the fun, exciting, interesting projects? Why do they get paid enough to travel the world, take part in interesting projects, and the likes? Why do they seem to get all the cool clients, those open to creative design works, showing depths and understanding of design?

Is this the path I must tread? If I follow these gigantic steps laid out before me, will I have the strength and qualities to reach the destination? As I look around, there are those within the local context already treading this path. Do I really want to join them in this quest for personal satisfaction?

Why is my site so .. bland?

Part of me wanted to go out there and explore deep into the depths of my graphic capabilities and churn them out one after another. But another part of me leers into the increasingly juicy pot that my freelance activities has afforded me with, and I can't help but not commit to any in particular.

But surely this is a decision I must make, sooner rather than later.

p/s: alas, even as I post this up, a client requested to see a web portfolio. I am forced to post my site back up, at least for the time being.